This is my first birthday as a mom of two! So I decided that I wanted to think back over the past 4 years and come up with

27 things that I have learned about being a mom!

Some are silly, some are serious, and some just aren’t right!
Why 27 you ask? Well, simply because today is my birthday and I am 27 years old! Makes total sense right?!?

While I have learned a ton of things since I became a mom, there are some “lessons” that are much more amusing than others and some that stand out as more important than others.

Of course, as you probably guessed, most of these are only funny after-the-fact and they tend to be lessons that I sort of learned the hard way. Most of them left me yelling, “Oh my gosh! I will totally never let this happen again!” Hahah yeah right! I was so naive!

Here are a few of my favorites. If you haven’t had the pleasure of figuring these out on your own yet, PLEASE do it the easy way and learn from my mistakes:

1. WHATEVER you do, NEVER forget to check your kids pockets BEFORE putting them into the wash! If you do, you will most likely find a crayon, bubble gum, bugs, food, or my personal favorite that goop stuff that comes in Easter eggs and such if you don’t know what this stuff is…look it up! Do not let your kids have it if you can help it! This stuff is just PURE EVIL!! in the washing machine or better yet…THE DRYER!

2. If your child walks up to you with what you ASSUME is a Tootsie Roll…proceed with caution! This so called “tootsie roll” may be something entirely different…it may have even fallen out of a diaper or if potty training have been picked out of a potty in order to show you what they did! It’s amazing how proud a child is that they are carrying poop…yes this really happened….no I am not proud!

3. SLEEP IS OPTIONAL!

4. Wearing the same outfit a few days in a row while not leaving the house may actually happen, especially in those “newborn” days. You may even sport spit-up and not even notice!

5. Accept that your house is now designed by that tiny little monstrosity that you created and will never look the same again. That is unless you choose to spend all of your time cleaning instead of spending time with your family. Don’t worry I have heard that once they get older you can actually have THEM do the cleaning! My oldest is 4 and she does some things…but she generally messes up more than she cleans!

6. While the color white is quite cute on your little one…it should be avoided at all costs! Spit-up and poop happen…and NO diaper is leak proof! Murphy’s Law will bite you in the butt if you put them in white! This doesn’t just apply to clothing…you should probably avoid white furniture…clothes on you…rugs…towels…pretty much any and everything!

7. No matter how awesome you are, your kid WILL eventually say that they “hate you” or  are “the worst mom ever”….don’t worry and pull on those times that they tell you the complete opposite! Them saying this means that you are doing your job right…you don’t need to be a friend. It will hurt and cut you deep when they say it…just remember that they don’t mean it!

8. You know all those awful mom type things that your mom said to you and you swore you would never say? You WILL! I promise!

9. Even if you aren’t a yeller and you have a ton of patience you will find that you have more than you ever thought possible you will break and mess up eventually. Don’t freak out! Take a moment, put yourself in time out and calm down. Once you are calm talk to them, let them know why you got upset and that you are sorry that is if you should be.

10. No matter what you do, you will never feel like you are doing good enough! In this age of Pinterest and social media we moms often set ourselves unreachable goals. Check out my Not a Bad Mom post for my rant on this type of thing.

11. Advice…you will be given tons of it! Don’t worry about it…remember all kids are different and the same thing may not work for you that worked for someone else. There is no “right way” to do this parenting thing…just do what you feel is best for your kid and see what happens…if what you tried doesn’t work out simply try something else. Mistakes will happen!

12. Can’t seem to get your kids attention? Sit down with a good book, try to eat, or better yet…try to go potty by yourself! I promise you will have their undivided attention immediately!

13. There is no such thing as a “quick trip to the store” anymore. Just getting out of the house can take longer than the entire trip used to take!

14. It is OKAY if your kid eats a little dirt…they have to build their immune system some how!!  Every little thing doesn’t have to be sanitized every time it hits the ground (this depends on where it is dropped of course). I stopped sanitizing things with my first kid when I found her licking the cat! Yeah that totally happened.

15. Not all kids shows are really okay for kids!
~Dora: Never has adult supervision, horrible sense of direction, and worst of all Swipper the Fox! Oh my gosh! He never gets into trouble…he steals everything and nothing bad happens. This is really the example we want to show our kids?!?
~Thomas The Train: Thomas is an awful “person”. He is extremely mean to the others and no one ever does anything about it.
~Sponge Bob: There are so many things wrong with this show! Don’t get me wrong..my hubby and I love it!  One episode is even about “sentence enhancers” they are cursing!!! Seriously?!? This comes on Nick?

16. Sex will NEVER be the same. Even though you will find ways to fit it in…there is always that little thought or moment or fear of those footsteps heading your way and no where near enough time to get dressed or hide what you are doing!

17. Even if your kid has been asleep for hours, the second your head hits the pillow and you really extra totally need sleep they WILL wake up! Yes, I know I already mentioned sleep…it’s just that important to realize it’s gone!

18. Kids will want to do EVERYTHING that you do. You want to exercise? So do they! You want to play a game? They want to try it!

19. If you step outside…you will be bombarded by a kid yelling “Where are you going, I want to go!”

20. Every trip to the store is now supposed to include something special for them. Even if you are getting them snacks and such, they expect a special “treat”.

21. If you have animals, they will inevitably be ridden on, dressed up, pulled on, licked, bitten…well you get my point.

22. Off brand products are JUST as good most of the time. (I have found Target brand stuff to be awesome and cheap!)

23. Be prepared to hear stuff that happened months ago! It will still be just as dramatic and life changing in their opinion as it was the day it happened!

24. Your kid WILL say things that you never thought they would think of. “It’s just bum scratching time, it’s not a big deal!” Really kid? She even paused her movie in order to do it!

25. Plans are now made to be changed. You will never again make a plan that will go right! Again that evil little Murphy’s Law sneaking up to get you.

26. If your kid is hungry, they will eat what you fix them! Don’t make special meals for them!!! I promise…if they get hungry enough they will eat what you cook.

27. If you are a techie type person…don’t be surprised when your kid surpasses your knowledge a lot sooner than you expected. My four year old has asked for her own tablet, computer, cell phone, etc. and actually knows how to use each and every device! She is better at a lot of games than I am and has been known to bring up menus on the computer that I didn’t even know existed!!

Well there you have it! 27 things that I have learned over the past 4 years as a mom!

I hope that by sharing these I can save you some trouble and get you straight to the laughs part of parenting.

PS 27.1? lol You aren’t a bad mom if you don’t fill out one of those baby books and keep track of every itty bitty thing that your kid does. It’s okay if you just spend your time with them and take pictures! You can never have too many pictures or videos!!

Remember that it is okay to stop and laugh at ourselves! We will mess up, well will over react, we will say things we wish we could take back!

Even those Pinterest-y moms aren’t perfect…even if they look it from our point of view!